Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk