Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things