[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
You Might Also Like
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
wtf management?!
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.