Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Wake me when AI does housework
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me too
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.