me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
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If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.