The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
You Might Also Like
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long