School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.