[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
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Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
then why did i get this email
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Cashiers are always checking me out
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
How wrong was this guy?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.