*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Girl, same.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”