[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
You Might Also Like
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible