I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
You Might Also Like
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
#MeanwhileinCanada
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.