I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?