[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!