and now we wait
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My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.