[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Well well well…
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes