One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
this is funnier than any friends episode
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.