Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
There’s only one good girl here!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.