Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
BaD BoY!!
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what