This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon