if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive