scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Oh the world we live in…
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The glockness monster
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS