SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives