SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.