Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.