Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.