SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS