Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT đ
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
never thought Iâd have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
If youâve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isnât walls and you can just walk right through it.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommyâs fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* á”á”á”ᔠᔠ˹ᶊá”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CANâT FIND MY GLASSES.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
âHow about⊠we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
It’s adorable how I write âbeerâ on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.