Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.