Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.