@TheEllenShow: Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
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@0point5twins: Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
@edfoxcomedy: 1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."
@LorieGZ: Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you! Me: Ya? What show? My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens! Very funny Mom!