Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I saw nothing
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?