@heytherecore: Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: "Probably not bees," says one scientist. "Dear god what if it's bees?"
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@LisaFarted: So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
@Trustedshoe: Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night. Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo? Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
@TheBoydP: Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.