Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
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Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Bread puns are on the rise!
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite