Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
You Might Also Like
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Brands during Pride
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.