Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?