Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”