Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”