Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.