“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
😬
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Forever 21… pounds overweight
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.