[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.