*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.