Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Pretty much! 😂👀
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Welcome to the stomach
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.