Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
so much to do
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.