TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
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The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.