Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
When can I start eating bats again.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
One of the best
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My first son he is wonderful
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.