[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Cndnsd Mlk
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat