[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?