Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime