My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me 2 months after i graduated
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Sorry. Not sorry
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it