“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You Might Also Like
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)