Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Does it…does it take 3 days
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
your elf on the shelf was delicious
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”