Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
water it, i dare you
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.