scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Dietest Coke
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.