scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Strangers have the best candy.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.